With my own bare hands
by icebaron
Summary: what was I thinking writing this? the world may never know.
1. A New Beginning

I DO NOT OWN EVANGELION. I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS.  
  
I slowly drifted back into one of the myriad worlds that I knew to be "reality". Though why, I could not discern at the present point in time, for I was completely devoid of any reasoning power. As more of my thoughts diffused into my consciousness, I divined that I was the child Shinji Ikari. Now that I thought about it, I was perhaps better in my state of nonbeing; my life sucked so much at the moment that I was probably better off in my previous void of being. However, now that I think about it, "good" and "bad" are merely imperfect inventions of the imperfect human mind. We all, after all, are created by the imperfect module of existence, evolution, which has absolutely nothing at all to do with such ideals as "good" or "bad", but is only based on survival. Therefore that which our brain tells us is "bad" is of no object; for it is merely "bad" with relation do survival. Grimly, I thought that my life was not the best place for survival. But is survival "good" of "bad"? Our minds, biased by our mode of creation, can give no accurate portrayal of this ultimate question. The need to know pervades my consciousness as I once again look at my unfamiliar ceiling, wondering if this will be the last day of my imperfect life.  
  
A certain redhead screaming for her breakfast suddenly ripped me from my reverie. I resigned myself to the task at hand, for while it is easy to say that pain is merely an invention of the human mind, in "reality", it is very hard to ignore.  
  
*****  
  
I watched Shinji drift into the kitchen with a faraway, glazed look in his eyes. He cooked my breakfast with a mechanical motion, clearly only minimally aware of his surroundings. I stopped screaming at him when I realized that he did not register anything I was saying. It was like he usually was, but of late he seemed even more introverted than usual. I decided to have some fun with him.  
  
Asuka: "Be sure to fix everything how I like it!"  
  
Shinji: "Hai."  
  
Asuka: "Make our lunches too!"  
  
Shinji: "Hai."  
  
Asuka: "And stop thinking dirty thoughts about me!"  
  
Shinji: "Hai."  
  
It took Shinji a full 5 seconds to realize what he had said - about 5 times his usual reaction time. On the inside, I was worried. On the outside - well, I laughed my ass off. Shinji was always good for a laugh, if nothing else. He isn't nearly as perverted as most boys are, despite the fact that I tell him so all the time. I just like to watch him squirm. His kiss last night wasn't even that bad, for a first kiss. I just wish that it had been my Kaji. I am much angrier with Misato than Shinji; however, he is by far the more convenient target.  
  
Perhaps I should talk with Hikari about this today...  
  
*****  
  
I took a long time to walk to school.  
  
I had a great volume of questions to wonder about. Why is Shinji even more introverted than usual? Why doesn't Kaji like me over Misato? Why aren't all my talents enough? Why am I unhappy, when I have everything that a girl my age could want?  
  
For the second time today, I resolve to talk to Hikari about it. Even if she likes that oaf Touji, she seems to be a lot happier than I.  
  
*****  
  
As I walk into the classroom, I cannot find Hikari. Strange, she has never been late for a school day before. I pause to wonder, and Shinji notices me.  
  
Shinji: "What's up? You left before me, and now you're late."  
  
Asuka: "..."  
  
Touji: "No fight between the newlyweds today?"  
  
That pushed me over the edge.  
  
Asuka: "I just didn't want to look at your stupid faces!"  
  
As I stormed out of the classroom, I saw that Shinji looked genuinely concerned, which only made me madder. I really had to talk to Hikari.  
  
*****  
  
I looked around for Hikari as lunch period started, but she was nowhere to be found. This was starting to get on my nerves. The time when I most needed to talk to her, she wasn't here, and she was always here before. I asked the teacher where she was.  
  
Sensei: I got a note this morning excusing her. It didn't look like her handwriting, though...  
  
Asuka: Anything else that might mean anything?  
  
Sensei: Well, a NERV security agent did hand it in...  
  
What could Hikari possible have to do with NERV? They didn't work with children. Unless, of course they were pilots. Unless they were pilots? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh...  
  
Hikari was a pilot now. Of course it all fit together now. Touji's overly sarcastic mood, Hikari's lateness, Shinji's introversion. Now we have something else to talk about, I thought happily. I just with I could talk to her now.  
  
Sighing, I walk over to Shinji, who is looking at the ceiling. I ask for my lunch, and he quickly hands it to me slowly, as if he were not really there.  
  
Asuka: "Hey Shinji, where's your lunch?"  
  
Shinji: "I forgot to make it. I had a lot on my mind."  
  
Asuka: "Your always like that. Tell you what, today; you and I can share my lunch. You look like you could use the grace of my company."  
  
Shinji: (a bit taken aback) "OK. So what exactly possessed you to talk with the lowly Shinji?"  
  
Asuka: "Your stooge friends aren't here, you looked like you could use some company. That and Hikari isn't here..."  
  
Shinji: (only slightly disappointed) "Of course."  
  
Asuka: "Where are your stooge friends anyway?"  
  
Shinji: "Touji went outside, said something about not feeling well. I think he's talking to Rei. Kensuke is filming it, like he always does. Say, where is Hikari?"  
  
Asuka: So he doesn't know. I wonder what WAS he thinking about? Well if he doesn't know, I won't tell him. Serves him right anyway. "TOUJI'S talking to REI? Oh well, it'll never last. Hikari is so much better at communication than she is. She would set this right if she weren't sick. So what have you been thinking about lately?"  
  
Shinji: (very taken aback) oh well um yeah well...  
  
Asuka: You can tell ME, can't you? Unless, of course, you've been dreaming about me?!  
  
Shinji: No, of course not!  
  
Asuka: (a barely noticeable degree of real disappointment) Ok, then what?  
  
Literally saved by the bell, the klaxons began to ring. Shinji wiped a huge sweat drop off the back of his head. I resolved to shake it out of him as soon as possible; he had set off my insatiable curiosity.  
  
*****  
  
I am permeated with a feeling of worry as I float in my entry plug. The explosion had come from Matsushiro, the place where Hikari's Eva was being tested. I couldn't help but think that something bad had happened, despite my optimistic nature. I know that Hikari can take care of herself, but this explosion sounded worse than just a routine glitch. After all, why would they put all three Eva's out at once?  
  
And then it came, like the black angel of death, with the unconscious form of a pure Japanese girl carried within. What is more, that girl was my friend. I watched in stunned silence as it took out both Shinji and Rei with ease. Then it swooped down on me.  
  
Try as I might, I could not work up the rage I needed to destroy the Angel for fear of damaging my only friend. The Angels are inhuman opponents, and as such I have no qualms about releasing all my rage upon them. However, I could not seem to get past the fact that my best friend was inside that black monster. I attempted to restrain it, but that soon failed, for without my Eva's full strength I was soon overpowered. I was being slowly strangled to death, and I was powerless to stop it.  
  
Gendo: "Initiate the dummy plug system."  
  
I was even denied the chance to die a warrior's death on the field of battle. I was soon spared the pain of strangulation, but pain of a much worse kind was soon to ensue. I watched as the dummy plug's horrifying power slowly dissected the black giant before me. It was a sickening sight to watch. Then, the coup de grace...  
  
My Eva, ME, picked up the entry plug...  
  
with my only friend,  
  
and  
  
smashed  
  
it  
  
into tiny pieces. 


	2. Rebirth/Resurrection

I DO NOT OWN EVANGELION. I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS.  
  
I wake up to the sound of cicadas.  
  
I recognize the room that Shinji is always in. Now, however, our positions are reversed, as he is sitting in a chair next to me and I am on the hospital bed. However, his head is bowed and he talks softly, when in his position I would be reminding him of exactly what he did wrong in as loud a voice as I could manage.  
  
Asuka: "Why are you here?"  
  
Shinji: "My injuries weren't nearly as bad as yours. I came to see how you were doing."  
  
Asuka: "What happened to me?"  
  
Before he can answer however, the memories flood back into my weakened mind. My Eva, tearing the Angel in Black limb from limb. My Eva, obeying the commands of a mysterious system with no human mercy. My Eva, crushing Hikari's capsule with the crushing force of thousands of tons. And, through it all, my inability to stop any of it.  
  
He mumbles something, but I don't hear a word he says. I look hard at my hands. These were the hands that killed Hikari. The ones that dismembered the giant in black. It doesn't whether I had control of my actions, it suffices that my hands are now stained with the blood of my best friend. If I had found the willpower to disable her Eva without the help of a dummy plug, she would have survived. She would have lived. And now, I am without any sort of person to talk to to alleviate the pain I feel. I am devoid of an outlet. To think, earlier today, (or was it yesterday? or last week?) I had been worried about my problems, about my trivial insecurities, about my need for a companion. And now my only friend was dead at my own hands.  
  
Shinji: "...Asuka?"  
  
This time I heard him. I could feel the sickening pity in his voice. How DARE he feel sorry for me?! I need no one's pity. Pity is a useless emotion. To hear it come from the mouth a boy who, if anyone, is deserving of pity himself, sparks rage within my heart. It seems that I once again have no control over my actions as I rise from my bed, walk to Shinji, and slap him with all the force that I can muster - which isn't as much as it should have been, considering my sorry state. What should have killed him only stunned him.  
  
He gives me a look that bares his innermost feelings: his confusion, his sadness, and ultimately complete and utter defeat. He slowly, reluctantly rises from the chair and exits the room without a word.  
  
And so, I lose my last person that I can treat as something near an equal at my own hands. Life is not without a sense of irony. I ponder that fact as I take a scalpel lying on a table next to the bed and slit my wrist, intending to do away with the hands that I so despised and my own meaningless life in one fated stroke.  
  
  
  
*****  
  
A voice emanates from nowhere.  
  
Voice: "Why are you here, child? It is not your time yet."  
  
Asuka: "I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
Voice: "Do you love yourself, Asuka?"  
  
Asuka: "Of course!"  
  
Voice: "Are you sure? She who loves herself must also love others."  
  
Asuka: "I love others! I love Kaji!"  
  
Voice: "You do not. It is merely a childish infatuation."  
  
Asuka: "So what? What's so great about "love" anyway?"  
  
Voice: "She who does not love others cannot love herself. She who does not love herself suffers. She who suffers is not happy. Do you suffer?"  
  
Asuka: "No! I have a great life!"  
  
Voice: "Do you really?"  
  
Asuka: "Yes!"  
  
Voice: "Do you?"  
  
Asuka: "No! I hate every second of my life."  
  
Voice: "Is that why you tried to kill yourself?"  
  
Asuka: "Yes."  
  
Voice: "Why do you turn Shinji away?"  
  
Asuka: "He's a coward, a weakling, and an ignorant *boy*."  
  
Voice: "Really?"  
  
Asuka: "Yes."  
  
Voice: "Really?"  
  
Asuka: (In a small voice) "No."  
  
Voice: "Then why do you turn him away?"  
  
Asuka: "... I don't know."  
  
Voice: "You are scared of him. You are scared of a real relationship after so long pretending."  
  
Asuka: "..."  
  
Voice: "Love lessens suffering. You must love yourself first, and then open yourself to others. Only then does true happiness begin."  
  
The voice finally assumes a shape: that of Kyoko Sohryu Zeppelin.  
  
Asuka: "Mama..."  
  
*****  
  
A sense of extreme Deja Vu assaults me as I wake up in the same manner of before. The cicadas are still chirping, and the room is just as dismal as before. Only three differences are visible to the naked eye: there are no longer any sharp objects visible, my left hand feels strangely numb, and Misato is sitting in Shinji's seat.  
  
Misato: "Finally awake, are you?"  
  
The look in her eyes would kill a small mammal. However, once I looked closely, I noticed that that some barely controlled relief masked as well as signs of a heavy hangover.  
  
Asuka: "... Yes."  
  
Misato: (quivering) "Do you realize what you've done?!"  
  
Asuka: "..."  
  
Misato: "There is absolutely NO excuse for suicide! I don't care WHAT you just dismembered, HOW stupid your boyfriend is ..."  
  
Asuka: "SHINJI IS NOT BY BOYFRIEND!"  
  
Misato: "... that does NOT give permission for one of the 3 children who can possibly defend the human race against an alien menace beyond comprehension to commit suicide!"  
  
Asuka: "You mean 4 children..."  
  
Misato's face falls apart. She loses control of her tightly held "angry persona" and quickly degenerates into a sobbing, drunken wreck.  
  
Misato: "I'm so sorry Asuka, none of us knew that the Eva was infected until it was too late, Commander Ikari did the right thing, if he hadn't activated the dummy system you would have died like you would have if Shinji hadn't told us immediately that you had slit your wrist."  
  
Of course, Shinji's father had set the dummy system in action. He would pay for this. As my anger was finally directed away from myself at least somewhat, I felt some of my self-love returning. But how had Shinji known? He must have returned soon after. I had thought that for sure I had lost him forever...  
  
Misato: "The nurses said he was chanting, 'I mustn't run away'."  
  
So he wasn't as weak as I thought he was. Perhaps my life wasn't so bad as I had previously thought.  
  
Misato: "And now he's locked in his room and won't come out. It seems a little extreme, even for him. I thought you two didn't get along." (Misato give her a questioning look)  
  
*flashback* "You must love yourself first, and then open yourself to others. Only then does true happiness begin." *end flashback*  
  
I must love others... I don't know about *love*, but a little talk wouldn't hurt.  
  
Asuka: "I'll talk to him, Misato. I promise." 


	3. The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I DO NOT OWN EVANGELION. I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS.  
  
OK guys, I know this is short, but I've been extremely busy lately; I have a wrestling meet every Saturday and I have to study for finals, plus all the teachers have been piling on the projects. I swear I'll have updated this chapter or made chapter 4 soon, just bear with me, finals are next week after all! Thanks to Doug Dennis (whoever that is) for inspiration on the new title!   
  
I drag myself into Misato's apartment late the next day.  
  
After the doctors had finished deciding that I was physically well, they began to assess my mental readiness for the demands of Eva piloting. I knew exactly what they wanted me to answer every time, for I had taken advanced psychology in my college back in Germany. I strove to make myself sound as well as I possibly could. As always, I rose to the occasion. I was, in all appearances, a perfectly normal girl (as far as that goes, being the genius that I am). Little did they know what teemed beneath my fiery locks - an all-consuming hatred for Gendo Ikari. Soon he would know the wrath of Asuka Sohryu Langley.  
  
My only visible injury is on my left wrist. The scar has nearly healed completely, but my hand hangs dead at my side. I can no longer move my left hand. The doctors say that I have severed all of the tendons in my wrist, and that my hand will probably never heal. It feels useless, a quality which I abhor. This hand will never be used again for the purpose of inflicting pain. Perhaps it will be harder for me to hurt people, as I so often do without conscious consent. I still have one hand left, however, and that will probably always be enough, for Angels or otherwise.  
  
And now for Shinji. As I trudge through the apartment, I notice that Shinji's door is unlocked, as all Japanese doors are. Misato must have really been unsettled, imagining locks on things. Or perhaps it she only meant that Shinji would not leave his room, a prison of his own making. Considering Misato's drunkenness, I assumed the former, but you can never know. "Shinji's Lovely Suite" - what an ironic sign. I knew he spent the worst of his days there. Fortunately for him, *I* will soon brighten up his dismal hole, as I imagine it must be.  
  
I knock on his door. No one answers, so I let myself in. A draft of cold, musty air wafts out, the kind that comes out of a room that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. My vision of his dingy hole was somewhat wrong; his room is perfectly organized, and it looked as though no one has lived here for many days. This is far worse than my vision; it would have been better if his room showed some sign of life. Though I usually admired his cleanliness, now it sickens me. I question myself why I am doing this in the first place, and then I remember that it was a message from my mother. I forge ahead.  
  
He lies curled up in the fetal position on his futon. thx reviewers! He looks as though he hasn't eaten for days. His cheeks are sunken, his face waxy, even paler than usual. His eyes do not register anything. He has a listless look about him. Anyone who did not know his habits would think him dead. Funny, the doctors seemed to think that I was the one who needed help.  
  
I walk to his side, slowly, as though if I move too quickly he might fly away. I also fear to break the silence he has achieved; the room seemed to warn of terrible consequences for breaking the silences. Some silences do not want to be broken. As I lean over his prone form, the slightest hint of recognition surfaces in his eyes. Gradually, his eyes focus on my face. Finally, as he attains an almost lifelike visage, he begins to mouth something. I have to bend down further to hear  
  
Shinji: Asuka. I thought. you were. dead.  
  
For once, I make the conscious decision to answer without my customary haughtiness, despite the nature of my words.  
  
Asuka: Anta Baka? How could a little knife silence me?  
  
Shinji has no moisture left in his body for tears, though you could tell that if he could, he would be crying. Not the unhappy, miserable kind, but tears of joy. I began to feel the hole in my heart grow smaller.  
  
Shinji: I thought I was. alone again.  
  
It appears that even this small exchange was too much for his withered body, and he lapses into a deep, contented sleep. 


	4. Update!

THX GUYS SO MUCH! I MET MY REQUIREMENT IN JUST ONE DAY! Neway, plz know that I'm working on the next chapter now! (At this very moment in fact) Here's a teaser:  
  
Asuka: So Shinji… You wanna do the dirty?!  
  
LOL! JK! I wish I could see the look on your face! Lots of good stuff coming in next chapter! 


	5. Untitled at the moment

I DO NOT OWN EVANGELION. I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS. (Yet… muahahaha! Oops, got my identity mixed up with Gendo's…)  
  
*****  
  
Misato lurches into the apartment. She glances at the clock without actually registering any meaning (the time is 10:00 PM, Sunday). She is still a drunken wreck. After Asuka's recovery and the subsequent possibility of the resurrection of her semblance of a family, she was lifted from her depression and the world seemed to look a good deal better. So, she went on another drinking binge (Misato both mourns and celebrates with good old alcohol). Subsequently, she is smashed yet again.  
  
Misato trudges to Shinji's room absentmindedly and peers in through blurry eyes. Asuka is curled up on the floor next to Shinji's futon, which holds the boy himself. Both look extremely tired and sickly, but they have identical contented smiles upon their ravaged faces. This curious fact does not seem in the least unusual to Misato at the time. "Ah, so they've made up", she thinks. She does not remember this picturesque scene in the morning.  
  
Misato plods off to the bathroom and proceeds to brush her hair with the toothpaste and floss her nose. After falling into her bed like dead weight, a peaceful sleep ensues, but unfortunately for Misato, the next morning is nowhere near as pleasant.  
  
*****  
  
I wake up to a familiar sound – the sound of Misato groaning incoherently. The sound would be horrible and nearly unbearable to most, however, it is a welcome sound to my ears. It means that the routine, which had been absent from my life for so long, is finally making a reappearance, and despite my espoused position, it can be refreshing to have a little routine once in a while. Shinji is lying in his futon peacefully. Many of the hard lines I had scene drawn on his face have been smoothed from just one good night's rest, and it looks as if the marks of his time here will soon fade away, unlike my injury. It still amazes me to think just how fragile his mind is – that he would lose all will to live over me. I, who am always so mean to him. Perhaps I am something more to him than he is to me?  
  
It strikes me just how thin he is. Once he wakes up he'll probably insist on cooking breakfast, the baka. But Misato isn't going to, and I can't cook. I could try to learn, but I don't feel like it. I have a much better idea…  
  
*****  
  
Asuka: Cook, Pen-Pen, Cook! Or I'll never unlock the bathroom for you again!  
  
Pen-Pen: Warble, warble [sniff] (OK bitch-lady, I'll agree for now, but I'll get you when you're asleep. Don't ever mess with a penguin of this caliber.)  
  
Asuka: Damn right! No, she can't understand penguin speech Shinji needs his breakfast! And more importantly, so do I!  
  
In no time, Pen-Pen whips up a first class traditional Japanese breakfast under my watchful eye. True to my word, I open the bathroom for him, but his warbles hardly sound grateful, though I hardly notice. I carry the steaming platter into Shinji's room, after eating my share, of course. His eyes slowly blink open in response to the mouthwatering aroma. His eyes take on a hungry look when he sees the food. I beam with pride, for, after all, it was my wonderful personality that created that food.  
  
Shinji: [sharp intake of breath] Did you make this Asuka?  
  
Asuka: Sure did! (Pen-Pen grumbles in the distance)  
  
Shinji: [noticeably disappointed] Oh…  
  
Asuka: I, um, learned how to cook from you!  
  
Shinji: Hmmm…  
  
Asuka: Eat it! [Menacing glare]  
  
Shinji: Hai, Asuka-san… [He takes a big bite, and to his evident surprise, it tastes good.]  
  
Shinji: Wow, this is really good! I don't remember ever teaching you anything, though.  
  
Asuka: Baka! Girls can watch something without seeming to, you know!  
  
Shinji: Oh. Of course.  
  
Shinji eats his meal in no time, and he looks much the better for it. I deem it is finally time for us to have our conversation, since, thanks to Misato's groans, I know that it will be private. I find it difficult, however, to say what I want to say outright, so I think that we'll start out by getting to know each other a little better.  
  
Asuka: Shinji…  
  
Shinji: Hai?  
  
Asuka: …What was your mother like?  
  
Shinji: (long silence) … I don't really know much about her. She died in an… accident when I was very young.  
  
Asuka: … Oh. It's the same way with me. My mother… died when I was very young as well. I had a stepmother from then on.  
  
Shinji: I've lived with my teacher from the accident until now, when my… father called me.  
  
Asuka: Ah… your father.  
  
Shinji: Sometimes I hate him; sometimes I'm not quite sure… but now… I know that I hate him.  
  
Asuka: … He killed my best friend.  
  
Shinji: (faraway-sounding) Yeah, I know…  
  
Shinji: …You know, my mother didn't really die in an accident. She was absorbed into my Eva, never to be seen again. And it's all my father's fault…  
  
Asuka: … My mother didn't die in an accident either. She… killed herself because she went crazy in an Eva experiment. But I really think that it was actually my father's fault. We don't seem to have much luck with fathers, do we?  
  
Shinji: No. No we don't…  
  
Misato appears in the doorway. I had forgotten to listen to her groans for some time now, and hadn't noticed her coming. Who knows how much she had heard? Now that I think about it, though, it really doesn't matter, because she knows it all already.  
  
Misato: You kids need to get ready for school.  
  
Asuka & Shinji: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?  
  
Misato: You have to get back in the routine sometime. Might as well be now.  
  
Asuka: But…  
  
Misato: No buts, I can't take much arguing. My hangover hasn't worn off yet. [She takes the last bite of Pen-Pen's breakfast]. You might as well go now, the sooner the better.  
  
Asuka: (grumble grumble grumble)  
  
Asuka:(whispers to Shinji) You know, I thought I heard my mom talking to me when I was… asleep. She said that we should be friends! 


End file.
